war declared on SARS
In an unexpected move which has confounded international opinion President Bush today declared war on the SARS virus. 'Today we celebrate our Independence Day! This is like watching a bad movie,' the president declared, 'and we will not go quietly into the night!'

When reporters reminded the president that the United States celebrates its independence on 4 July the chief executive replied: 'The World Health Organisation has made itself irrelevant by failing to act.' Secretary of Defence Rumsfeld added: 'Some viruses are known knowns and some are unknown knowns but we know enough not want to know any medical unknown unknowns.' Ari Fleischer then took over to explain that the Pentagon would be conducting the campaign. The ever-suave Ari answered: 'I don't accept your premise' to an impertinent reporter asking why the Pentagon had taken over public health.

The Australian and British governments, already in deep doo-doo for refusing to join invasions of Syria, Iran, Egypt, and California, hurried to announce that they were satisfied with WHO's efforts to deal with the epidemic. A number of hospitals in southern China and Southeast Asia immediately sent frantic appeals to their governments for air defence systems.