19 May 2004


Picture the scene. You are in the offices of Warner Brothers in Los Angeles, pitching a movie about the siege of Troy to various sharp-suited executives. Perhaps Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are present also, representing their company, Plan B Films. 'OK,' you say, 'it's a rip-roaring sand-and-sandal, thigh-and-pectoral epic.' Approving nods all round. 'I see Brad as very much the hero, as Achilles, the glorious warrior who defeats everyone in battle. But it's not just about war; it's about love!' More nods. 'The passionate love that goes to the centre of the ancient Greek world, the love that sparks his greatest contest. The love of Achilles - for his friend Patroclus! And I've got a great casting idea: Orlando Bloom is Patroclus. He's Achilles's companion, his comrade, his brother-in-arms, and also let's face it his - acgh.' At this moment, at a discreet signal from Mr Pitt, a security guard has entered to grasp you by the throat. Cut to: Warner Brothers exterior. You are flung bodily out into the street to a shout of: 'And stay out.'

Look, I liked the movie, but I have a weakness for costume sagas. Apparently the bloodshed and savagery is just fine, but the mere suggestion that Achilles might be sinking the sausage into a guy has to be cut out ASAP.

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